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Posts Tagged ‘being’

Just Being

I am light and love.

I am not invisible,

You just can’t see me.

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Inside a breaking wave

The night is dark but I cannot see the stars clearly
perhaps because of so many city lights.
I am able to perceive just a few in the distance
like faint little beacons waving at me
from a far away galaxy where other possible outcomes
could replace the one I am facing now.

I see myself as a kid at my mother’s house
attempting to catch my brother who is holding my blanket and running away
until I step on it and slip and hit my head on the edge of the iron bed.
Something wet and cold runs down my neck and I suddenly don’t want to talk
or move or chase no more because I am tired and weak
and I just lie on my bed and wait for death
convinced that it is time for me to go as I am fading away.

Glimpses of my first love appear from 35 years back
when I was hopeful and scared at the same time
expecting him to come and save me from the pain of loving him so much
and feeling all these feelings and desires I was fighting
at the same time.
He did come but could not save me because he was with me and someone else
at the same time
so I had to let him go and keep the pain all to myself.

I traveled around trying to find my roots
attempting to discover myself and my goals and my purpose in the world
meeting people and experiencing things away from family
somehow pretending that I was completely free and didn’t carry them all within
as inner voices dictating what was right or wrong for me to do and how
was I supposed to simply drop it all and forget about my responsibilities
and family duties since I owed them my life and everything else in my life.
No I could not just efface them for guilt and shame
kept me tied down to what they knew for sure was my persona’s destiny.

I was off to college and work and college again living on my own
or with whomever I chose as a lover or partner
and life always reminding me I had responsibilities but no rights
all cleverly disguised as compassionate opportunities to help and serve others
like a good catholic girl should do
even though I had philosophically debated and gained my way out of holy communion and mass and church since I was seven.

Then God showed up one day and cracked me open like a nut
and everything changed from then on until this moment
just as everything keeps changing in this moment
when life shakes me up again and opens my wounds
for me to feel and see and heal
or simply surrender.

I moved away for good to find some answers and then more questions
while trying to build a foundation that seemed more solid and more loving
and more real than all the past behind me
but it all turned out to be the same illusion as before
except that I grew stronger in the process of discovering what to do
with this existence I had borrowed from an unwritten book about myself.

I wasn’t going to let sadness and unrequited love and hardship crush me
I wasn’t going to allow the dead to sneak up on me and make me feel guilty
for being so alive
and so curious
and so persistently hopeful.

And then I lost it all
in the peaceful shelter of knowing everything was meant to happen:
the experience of having an experience and moving from one act to another
from one breath to the next
in this awakening moment
of quietly and absolutely being who I always knew to be.

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