Posts Tagged ‘purpose’

Inner Union

In the eternal ever changing wave of consciousness,

I pledge allegiance to my dreams

and aspirations—no matter how broken or out of use.

There is no regret and no judgment behind my words.

Not everybody needs a purpose to live by.

I do.


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Inside a breaking wave

The night is dark but I cannot see the stars clearly
perhaps because of so many city lights.
I am able to perceive just a few in the distance
like faint little beacons waving at me
from a far away galaxy where other possible outcomes
could replace the one I am facing now.

I see myself as a kid at my mother’s house
attempting to catch my brother who is holding my blanket and running away
until I step on it and slip and hit my head on the edge of the iron bed.
Something wet and cold runs down my neck and I suddenly don’t want to talk
or move or chase no more because I am tired and weak
and I just lie on my bed and wait for death
convinced that it is time for me to go as I am fading away.

Glimpses of my first love appear from 35 years back
when I was hopeful and scared at the same time
expecting him to come and save me from the pain of loving him so much
and feeling all these feelings and desires I was fighting
at the same time.
He did come but could not save me because he was with me and someone else
at the same time
so I had to let him go and keep the pain all to myself.

I traveled around trying to find my roots
attempting to discover myself and my goals and my purpose in the world
meeting people and experiencing things away from family
somehow pretending that I was completely free and didn’t carry them all within
as inner voices dictating what was right or wrong for me to do and how
was I supposed to simply drop it all and forget about my responsibilities
and family duties since I owed them my life and everything else in my life.
No I could not just efface them for guilt and shame
kept me tied down to what they knew for sure was my persona’s destiny.

I was off to college and work and college again living on my own
or with whomever I chose as a lover or partner
and life always reminding me I had responsibilities but no rights
all cleverly disguised as compassionate opportunities to help and serve others
like a good catholic girl should do
even though I had philosophically debated and gained my way out of holy communion and mass and church since I was seven.

Then God showed up one day and cracked me open like a nut
and everything changed from then on until this moment
just as everything keeps changing in this moment
when life shakes me up again and opens my wounds
for me to feel and see and heal
or simply surrender.

I moved away for good to find some answers and then more questions
while trying to build a foundation that seemed more solid and more loving
and more real than all the past behind me
but it all turned out to be the same illusion as before
except that I grew stronger in the process of discovering what to do
with this existence I had borrowed from an unwritten book about myself.

I wasn’t going to let sadness and unrequited love and hardship crush me
I wasn’t going to allow the dead to sneak up on me and make me feel guilty
for being so alive
and so curious
and so persistently hopeful.

And then I lost it all
in the peaceful shelter of knowing everything was meant to happen:
the experience of having an experience and moving from one act to another
from one breath to the next
in this awakening moment
of quietly and absolutely being who I always knew to be.

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Dancing girl in courtyard
Life is a dance
between a beating heart’s desire
and the inevitable,
encounter with fate.

It moves and turns,
with graceful detachment,
around everything that is
and every other possibility
of being.

Shattering illusions and hopes alike,
it orchestrates circumstances,
incidents, and miracles
with unrelenting synchronicity
and purposeful rhythm.

The ballroom shifts,
the partners change,
and astounding choreographies
appear from out of nowhere.
But the music of my soul
remains the same.

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Buddha Statue - Thailand

Dawn breaks the painful,
restless black of deep night,
with its swift clarity
of purpose.

Rice fields emerge through the window,
beautiful and undisturbed,
as the sky shifts its brush strokes
from a myriad shades of purple
to a light blue and pink haze.
I hear birds chirping.

Sunrise warms up another endless
sleepless night
struggling with the resistance
to my own demons,
then battling the demons, too,
trying to stay awake and attentive.

Women with pointy stray hats
appear from out of nowhere,
bending over to harvest the rice,
allowing the rising sun to hit
their backs, their withered hands.

I bend over in prostration,
grateful for a brand new day,
keeping my focus on the feeling
and the insights it brings,
secretly waiting for the nuns
to announce breakfast.
Acknowledge the pain on the knees.
Breathe in.

My eyes are tired, my tears dry,
my legs hurt.
Yet I savor the moment, the view,
and embrace it all,
the light, the pain, the unknown to come.
Acknowledge the fear, the hope.
Breathe out.

In this empty room,
filled only with my nightly ghosts,
mental constructions,
and meditations,
in this golden land of magical
and unexpected discoveries,
I recover the sense of who
I really am.

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Childbirth by Yol Swan

Embraced by the night
and warm water
surrounding your body
and mine,
you pushed through flesh and blood
to catch your first breath
before my eyes.

I welcomed pain as unavoidable,
became a witness
to my instincts,
and watched my body do
what it was meant to do
even without me.

I chanted for you
and for me,
gave my blood and breath
with no reserve,
and delved into a deep
and sacred space within me
to be divinely touched
by your arrival.

You emerged swiftly,
like a little mermaid
awakening from the slumber
and quietude of a dream world,
smiling into my arms
and your father’s,
and filling the room
with light.

I had been waiting for you
for so long,
without even knowing it,
yearning for this sense of purpose,
this unfathomable love,
completely unaware of how
and humbling
the experience would be.

To Shanti

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Autralian mountains

The breath of the universe
speaks softly,
like an ethereal whisper,
pushing me to look within,
to face the dark with light
and the light with open arms.

Its gentle touch moves me,
like a divine breeze,
toward the stillness
from which silent dreams emerge,
a quiet, empty space
of solitude and peace.

I embrace the unknown
The present designs its purpose
with deceitful resolution.
I can only guess where life
and love will take me,
but I am prayerful
and irreverently ready.

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